It seems like the world of figure skating wilts in the heat, smaller and shriveling as the temperatures climb. Reader, it’s only May and I already have lost my tolerance for sticky sweat on the back of my neck. We’re not even consistently in the 90s, and I can barely leave my house. Looks like my summer as an indoor cat starts now.
I come to you with a meager smattering of stories this week. Two of these are actual big news; I’ll let you pick which ones you think those are.
Shoma Uno has retired to spend more time with his Nintendo.
That’s not exactly what he said, but he did say that he was looking forward to gaming more now that he has extra time on his hands.
I suspect many of you are familiar with Shoma, but if you’re not: he generally played second or third fiddle to Yuzuru Hanyu and Nathan Chen during their heydey. Some of you will read that and get kind of huffy because he was really on par with the two of them, even surpassing them at times, but he did tend to be a side character in that narrative. He won back to back Championships after the last Olympics, and he’s been the class of the sport as the young whippersnappers jockey for position.
I am not shocked at this announcement, even though the timing is a little off considering the next Olympics is two years away. He just seemed so HAPPY at the last Worlds, despite placing fourth. He looked like you do on the last day of a job where you’ve been bored and unhappy but you love your co-workers. He looked RELIEVED.
So raise a glass to Shoma and his cat-like landings, his commitment to anime sparkle costumes, his friend crush on Nathan Chen, and the time he ate a bunch of Oreos before his skate at the Japan Open (per Adam Rippon). I hope he will be very happy playing video games and eating junk food while his girlfriend, Marin Honda, watches.
Elsewhere in Japan, Mao Shimada is now sponsored by Sanrio.
(This gif has nothing to do with Mao Shimada; I am just amused that Hello Kitty seems involved with US Voter Registration. We love a civic-minded cartoon cat.)
As a child of the 80s, I would love for Sanrio to sponsor me doing anything, and I don’t think anyone else can dream of surpassing the prestige of this. Poor Amber Glenn is out here hawking Amlactin, but Mao probably gets a fleece with Badtz-Maru on the pocket. Maybe we can replace the Geico gecko with Keroppi?
In grim news, US Safe Sport permanently banned Brendan Kerry for “sexual miconduct involving a minor.”
For context: Kerry is a three time Australian Olympian, even serving as their flag bearer at the 2022 Winter Olympics. He was essentially the only internationally competitive Aussie man for YEARS, and he lived and trained in the US for a long time. His parents are Big Time Charlies in the Australia skating federation, and his sister used to be a competitive ice dancer before she retired to get married to Zach Donohue. (This is a whole other story. Another time.)
If you want details of the accusations, you can read the ESPN write-up. He claims he didn’t know she was too young to consent. (Insert unimpressed rage face here.) ESPN also reveals that Gracie Gold made a claim against him as well, though hers is not the one that got him banned.
He is, of course, indignant and appealing. (Appealing the decision… not appealing as in, “Oh, he’s so enticing!”)
Nathan Chen just graduated from Yale, but he does not seem poised for a comeback.
People breathlessly reports that he plans to attend a one year post-bac program in Maryland and then apply to med school. Maryland is not exactly known for its famed ice skating centers, though Ilia trains in nearby Virginia, so maybe there’s a commuter plan in place.
He doesn’t say anything about retiring or trying for the Olympics, but I wouldn’t hold your breath. He seems to have plans that don’t include trying to chase Ilia Malinin.
Though…. I do think a half-speed Nathan could still figure in the international rankings and could certainly earn a US Mens spot. Maybe he wants to go to the Olympics again, just for the fun of it, and enjoy it without pressure this time. Maybe he’s planning to stage a comeback with Jean Luc Baker and Kaitlin Hawayek where they get back to the Olympics and heckle everyone because they don’t care anymore. Maybe it’s Nathan Chen’s turn to be “the charming one,” playing the role of Adam Rippon at the 2018 Olympics.
In related Nathan news, please watch this video until the end for a snort laugh. (Thank you to Stephanie for sending this!)
Speaking of comebacks…
She’s not coming back because she never left— Midori Ito is still out here killing it.
Those of us from a certain generation will remember the great Midori Ito— first woman to land a triple-triple jump combo, first woman to land a triple Axel, and possessor of excellent puffy bangs. I vividly remember this exhibition program to '“Somewhere Over the Rainbow” and the accompanying dream costume, though I do not remember her racing off ice for a costume change to come back and skate to “On My Own.” She seemed poised to win the Olympics in 1992, but a a couple of falls left her in silver behind Kristi Yamaguchi.
But, in the wise words of Cool Runnings: “A gold medal is a wonderful thing. But if you’re not enough without one, you’ll never be enough with one.” And it’s clear that she didn’t need a gold medal to absolutely love skating. She just won the ISU International Adult Championship, and she appears to be sublimely happy.
Three Non-Skating Things: Parents Edition
I’m working from my parents’ house for a couple of weeks to spend some time with them (and keep my dog occupied while work kicks my tail, if I’m honest). This week’s Three Things will be based on the last week with them.
Mom and I agree we could eat a bag of these rainbow chip brownie Hershey Kisses without realizing it. I’m not sure if this is a Pride thing or a Little Debbie rip-off or both, but these are easy to eat with a light crunch from the rainbow bits. I found them at CVS, so I don’t think you need to order from Hershey.
My mother is part of an active Book Club, and they often choose to read books that are a little off the beaten path. They seem like they’re a smart group that enjoy good snacks and actual book talk, so I usually pay attention when she tells me what they’re into. She’s been suggesting that I read Becoming Duchess Goldblatt for months now— the memoir of the anonymous writer behind the Twitter-famous Duchess Goldblatt. This visit, she went so far as to hand me a physical copy. I’m about half way through it, and it’s so good! I didn’t even really know about Duchess Goldblatt, but now I think I’m a fan? This memoir is not really what I expected at all (but how could I expect anything?). There are Duchess Goldblatt Tweets interspersed with the author’s personal story about how she came to be this gracious and kind but witty Internet voice. It’s sort of weird and tangential and funny and sad. Recommended if you’re not really sure what you want right now but you know it’s something different.
I didn’t really watch Young Sheldon, but it was ubiquitous enough in the culture that I had a rough idea of what it was about and some major plot points. My parents watched it religiously, so I ended up viewing the series finale with them. I don’t know the general Sheldon vibe, but it seemed abrupt with poorly connected scenes and too much time spent with the actors from Big Bang Theory. My parents were pretty disappointed. My dad remarked, “It’s time for Sheldon to go.” To which I replied, “Isn’t this the last episode?” To which he responded by making this face:
What’s Next: Back in two weeks to report back on the latest skating news. Here’s hoping someone in Russia says something absurd so we can have a good laugh.
I kept a video of one of Midori Ito's early 90's world championship short programmes for years! She never had the gracefulness and fluidity that judges demand of women skaters, so her strength and precision - and the fierce joy with which she skated - never got the appreciation it deserved.