How to Save Figure Skating
Don't worry, everyone. This is fool proof.
This might be a controversial post. Some of you are going to love it. Some of you are going to unsubscribe immediately. I will accept the risk.
Get in losers, we’re saving figure skating.
So, you know how Ice Dance has a theme for the Rhythm Dance every season? This year it’s “90s Dance Party.” Last year it was “50s, 60s, 70s.” We’ve also seen “The 80s,” and the some what questionable year of “Street Dances.” We’re running out of decades and good ideas. It’s possible we never really had good ideas, actually.
Luckily, I have a great idea. Maybe even a genius idea.
They should do, “Taylor Swift.” STAY WITH ME.
Taylor owns her masters now, and she likes charity. She could donate the copyright, or maybe just grant it at a very cheap price for the very poor ice dancers. (Sidenote— remember when Maddie Hubbell’s mom replied to someone else’s tweet with,“She is worth nothing. Ice Dancer”?) This would obviously bring the Swifties to the sport, helping to re-grow some popularity. If Taylor isn’t touring that year, they could sell out all the skating competitions by appealing to fans eager to gather and sing along. I feel like we could win them over. They might even tailgate in the parking lot. They’ll come for the Taylor, they’ll stay for the…Taylor. Look what she did for the NFL, and they’re not even playing her music. And she’s a skating fan…. sort of. She used to be friends with Gracie Gold, and she even went to Stars on Ice once. Honestly, this idea isn’t that outlandish.
Now, I know some of you will say that her music wouldn’t lend itself to skating, and you’re probably right because I don’t know anything about picking good program music other than North American boys are terrible about picking sadboy songs that are very boring to watch on ice. As long as we’re picking bad skating music, we might as well pick Taylor Swift and get eyeballs on the sport.
I’ll even throw out some program ideas.
“The Archer”- This is perfect for Maddie and Evan because they like to do “Maddie is a (something glamorous) and Evan is the average dope that stumbles across her.” In this case, Maddie is obviously attired at Artemis the Hunter, in something silver and hunter-eque, and Evan is her prey. He can wear a subtle leopard print or something. They twizzle on the “see right through me”s.
“Look What You Made Me Do”- This feels like a great revenge song for Charlene and Marco, furious about being displaced by the Brits last season. And you can see Charlene wearing a full black vinyl bodysuit with her hair slicked back and cat eyes sharp enough to kill a man. The more I think about it, the more I think they would kill this program because they always do their best when she’s playing a slightly villainous character.
Speaking of the Brits, they will obviously do, “Shake It Off,” complete with cheerleader outfits. I don’t think I need to explain this one further. Their character step would be set to the bridge (“My ex-man brought his new girlfriend…”), and it will bring down the house at Skate America.
Piper and Paul will want something unexpected and theatrical. They could do “No Body, No Crime” and pantomime true crime on ice. Their finishing pose will be Piper looking smug and self-satisfied while Paul dies on the ice. Or maybe they would do “Bejeweled” because they could do something subversive where they both dress as show girls and wear feathers, which seems like something they would enjoy.
Regardless of how you feel about Taylor Swift, you have to admit it would get eyeballs on skating again. YOU ARE WELCOME, ISU. Feel free to leave your own program ideas in the comments.
One Non-Figure Skating Thing:
What’s Next: Sunday news updates! The US skaters are finishing the annual Champs Camp this weekend, so program details are now leaking in earnest. Should be fun!
How do we get you in front of the ISU. This is exactly it. We are ready for it (see, the puns even write themselves, let's do this).
I’m here for all of it. I have actually given this a lot of thought before, haha. I’d give Carreira and Ponomarenko “exile” and I’d cry. (Though I think this would be better as a FD.) I’d give Green and Parsons “Champagne Problems.” Lopareva and Brissaud could do “Vigilante Shit” and they’d probably put a techno beat under it and do something weird and edgy. I’d give Chock and Bates “Style.” Absolutely agree with you about the Brits. They could do any of the poppier songs, honestly — a manic mashup of all the hits! And the Italians should do something from Reputation. Someone needs to do a mashup of “Delicate” and “Dress.” I can’t figure out what the right vibe would be for Smart and Dieck — I want to say “But Daddy I Love Him,” and I cannot explain that lol